For starters I cannot seem to shake my crush on Jack Whitehall, its not good! He's someone I'm never going to meet, and if I do there is in no way in hell he'll be interested in someone who would (come on he's a comedian you'd have to try and make them laugh) these lines:
"If I was going to get Gonorrhoea off anyone I'm glad its you"
"I have a game I'd like to play, its called "guess where the afro is"
"I thought I'd be sexy and give you my phone number written on my pants.. unfortunately it is wash day and I will have to return them to my Grandmother soon"
"I couldn't help notice you from the other side of the room, because your in the way of the tv.. move"
"People say I get my looks from my dad, he's over there let me know what you think, he'll call you"
"If your going to do the talking, I'm going to need a lot more to drink"
"I'm going to sex you up so much it'll make your eyes bleed"
The last one is clearly foreplay, because the first few are guaranteed to work! Just like the Beyonce song, who wouldn't want to put a ring on me... that was inflatable and full of concrete haha!
He also has a beard, which I feel compelled to make fun of! Any good beard I will make fun of, which is why I believe I have "Beard Envy". This is a disorder where you see a beard, you realise your own incompetence or inability due to gender to grow a beard and therefore make fun of it. I have a list of my favourite comments I have either said or will say in the near future:
1. Just because your mom helps you draw it on, doesn't make it real
2. I know what your hiding, its your conjoined twin, or Patrick as he prefers to be called
3. Within your beard is Waitrose latest range of mosses and small furry creatures that are lightly seasoned with chilli
4. You look like a member of the Animals of Farthing Wood, I'm guessing Moley
5. Are you a hobbit in training or do you already have your licence and own homoerotic adventure?
6. Is that where Keith Chegwin stores the jokes he steals, or are you protecting the environment by producing your own eco-system where hair and paper rule
7. Are you trying to look like a paedophile or is the attached mobile you've built out of mirrors there to blind me?
8. You would look better if you smoked a pipe.. and then use the pipe to set your beard alight
I was a really weird child, I mean really really weird. Not only did I love comedy programmes and superheroes but I was.. well, I used to think I controlled the adverts. When I wanted them to change, I thought that if I blinked they changed. So essentially to get to programmes quicker, I used to blink a lot at the tv... unsurprisingly it didn't work.
Which is probably where my excessive rage towards adverts comes from, pre-recording programmes or even more daring CHANGING the channel works a treat!
I also believed that actors lived in video tapes, and would worry that if I played the video too much they would get tired and break out of the tv and do something horrible to me.
But can you blame me with parents who told me that haggis is a real life creature and that it has two legs short and two legs long so it can run around the tops of mountains.
Which is a nice thought, until after hours of walking in Scotland they tell you that its not real.
Well this has been more random crap, I welcome your pity and any foods you consider throwing I do request its not rotten.