Wednesday 21 July 2010

3rd times the charm

Right, little later than expected but have had lots and lots of things to sort out (plus a holiday in Cornwall) but here is another post from before I leave for L.A.

For starters I cannot seem to shake my crush on Jack Whitehall, its not good! He's someone I'm never going to meet, and if I do there is in no way in hell he'll be interested in someone who would (come on he's a comedian you'd have to try and make them laugh) these lines:

"If I was going to get Gonorrhoea off anyone I'm glad its you"
"I have a game I'd like to play, its called "guess where the afro is"
"I thought I'd be sexy and give you my phone number written on my pants.. unfortunately it is wash day and I will have to return them to my Grandmother soon"
"I couldn't help notice you from the other side of the room, because your in the way of the tv.. move"
"People say I get my looks from my dad, he's over there let me know what you think, he'll call you"
"If your going to do the talking, I'm going to need a lot more to drink"
"I'm going to sex you up so much it'll make your eyes bleed"

The last one is clearly foreplay, because the first few are guaranteed to work! Just like the Beyonce song, who wouldn't want to put a ring on me... that was inflatable and full of concrete haha!

He also has a beard, which I feel compelled to make fun of! Any good beard I will make fun of, which is why I believe I have "Beard Envy". This is a disorder where you see a beard, you realise your own incompetence or inability due to gender to grow a beard and therefore make fun of it. I have a list of my favourite comments I have either said or will say in the near future:

1. Just because your mom helps you draw it on, doesn't make it real
2. I know what your hiding, its your conjoined twin, or Patrick as he prefers to be called
3. Within your beard is Waitrose latest range of mosses and small furry creatures that are lightly seasoned with chilli
4. You look like a member of the Animals of Farthing Wood, I'm guessing Moley
5. Are you a hobbit in training or do you already have your licence and own homoerotic adventure?
6. Is that where Keith Chegwin stores the jokes he steals, or are you protecting the environment by producing your own eco-system where hair and paper rule
7. Are you trying to look like a paedophile or is the attached mobile you've built out of mirrors there to blind me?
8. You would look better if you smoked a pipe.. and then use the pipe to set your beard alight

I was a really weird child, I mean really really weird. Not only did I love comedy programmes and superheroes but I was.. well, I used to think I controlled the adverts. When I wanted them to change, I thought that if I blinked they changed. So essentially to get to programmes quicker, I used to blink a lot at the tv... unsurprisingly it didn't work.
Which is probably where my excessive rage towards adverts comes from, pre-recording programmes or even more daring CHANGING the channel works a treat!

I also believed that actors lived in video tapes, and would worry that if I played the video too much they would get tired and break out of the tv and do something horrible to me.
But can you blame me with parents who told me that haggis is a real life creature and that it has two legs short and two legs long so it can run around the tops of mountains.
Which is a nice thought, until after hours of walking in Scotland they tell you that its not real.

Well this has been more random crap, I welcome your pity and any foods you consider throwing I do request its not rotten.

Wednesday 30 June 2010

Second attempt- huzzah!

Second attempt at bloggingness!

As I've just completed my degree in Acupuncture, I was asked by my lecturers who I aspire to be. We all got asked this, all in a room together. Most people said the lecturers or someone they had read about, I said Attila the Hun. Didn't go down well at all unsurprisingly.

I'm a very clumsy person, its very obvious as I'm always injured. And all my stories usually end with "So it wouldn't stop bleeding, and went to A and E" or "This liquid came out of it, so I went to A and E". I think the funniest injury I've ever had is when I got an earring stuck in my ear, and not the bit that goes through the hole, the ball end of a stud earring.
That was horrific, I think over night my ear had developed a mouth and sucked it into itself. Never ring up NHS direct either as they haven't got a clue, my mom took me to A and E while my dad was left on the phone for 2 hours before they finally decided "Er.. yeah, she should go to A and E".

My most recent injury has arisen really from a drunken argument with a taxi driver. He ripped me off, I grudgingly paid him, and in the most dramatic way possible said " I hope you know I'm not too drunk to notice you've ripped me off!" Opened the door and tumbled out onto my ankle... my life is just one long comedy. But at least its got comedic timing.

I think famous people are hilarious! In particular Michael McIntyre and Sophie Dahl. Not that Michael McIntyre is funny, he'd be funny if he was a Geography teacher or a Math teacher, someone who you wouldn't expect to be funny. But as a comedian and a straight man he's not believable! I don't think he's married at all, I think he puts on a dress and speaks in a voice lower than his normal speaking voice.
I shouldn't be mean, its always nice to know the BBC has a place in their storage facilities for an annoying high pitched weeble, I'm sure its wherever Joe Pasquale is.

Sophie Dahl is doing a cookery programme now! And she likes the word melancholy. You could start a drinking game to how many times she said that word. And by the end of it you would be depressed!
Either she's severely depressed or she's only just getting started using words. I assume models don't need words, I think they just grunt and point. Well whoever gave her the word of the day calender needs to change the day, or beat her with it!
Really though, a model cooking? "Would you like a side of cotton wool with that?" "This has been lightly seasoned with laxatives and alli"

I at one point dyed my hair orange. NEVER. DO. IT. Worst mistake ever, not that it didn't look good but the amount of abuse I got for it! It was very orange, no question about it. And yet where ever I went I got called a ginger! Are there really that many colour blind people in Manchester? But on top of the ginger comments were comments like "I bet you've got a hairy fanny" ??? I'm 24! I'd say its pretty obvious I've gone through puberty, its more than likely!
I wonder if these people shout at squirrels and dogs "Yeah Squirrel you ginger bastard! I bet you like nuts!" "Oi! Dog! You've got a hairy tail!" What are they the obvious squad? An undercover section of the trainspotters alliance that go round shouting obvious statements at people? Or in other words.. Chavs.

I personally think sex is quite weird I don't know if its the people I date or it happens to everyone but I really don't think these things need to be said during sex:
- Please stop singing
- You've just hit me in the face
- Stop smearing yourself in chocolate spread and then running around the room
- Stop watching the tv
- Please don't talk to your housemate
- Trust me that REALLY doesn't go in there
- I don't care how loud they are playing their video game, please stop talking about World War 2 and the end of the world
- I asked you nicely the first time, please stop singing
- Stop laughing

I've been completing more paperwork before I jet off to a life of me living on a boat really.. recently its been the CRB. It's like their indecisive yet militant! "We want original copies of something that has your address on it and your date of birth. Passports, drivers licence, and birth certificates are class one and nhs cards, bank statements and phone bills are class two. If you have only 1 class one we want 2 class two, but if you have 2 class one then that's enough" Further down the page "Please ensure you have 3 forms of identity, no photocopies are allowed in this application" Further down the page "Please include a photocopy of your passport even though you have provided us with 3 forms of identity" Further down the page "Photocopies are not accepted"
"Please fill in this form of where you have been living for the past 5 years, include all data we only need to know where you have been living for the past 5 years" Further down the page "But please include at least 3 addresses including one where you have been living for the past 5 years"

Well that was more ramblings, a little more than last time! Hopefully something will click and I'll actually get good at this! I will also include my new collection of sketches and paintings of erotic sandwiches

First time using blog

Ok, so this is the first day of the blog that I've set up as I'm going away for 7 months to work on a cruise ship doing Acupuncture.
I really don't know how this will work, but I'm willing to give most things a go.
First off I should probably explain what "thinking with your Gary is", I'm a little bit odd or so I'm told I personally think I'm perfectly normal and its everyone else.

ANYWAY, when I was younger when I hear people say "Now that's thinking outside of the box" I decided I didn't have a box that I in fact had a hexagon, that was pink and called Gary.... which is probably more than likely a sign that your a little odd.

I'm also quite unobservant, when I was watching the England vs. Germany game I thought we were doing really well.. until I realised we were the ones in red. This made sense as my Dad was crying and punching the cat.. I'm joking, we don't have a cat.....anymore.

I'm Dyslexic before you start correcting the grammer and spelling problems, and then sending me links to how things should actually be spelt. As part of my dyslexia I have difficulties telling left from right (I know what your thinking that's just a nice way of saying your stupid.. but its true!).
I always think that the runners at the Olympics have it easy, all they have to do is run faster than anyone else, and carrying a few sticks as ammo will always help with that.
I think what they should do is get a bunch of Dyslexics together, start them running, and start shouting left or right at them. The confusion and mayhem will be amazing! Especially if you add hurdles!

I'm quite geeky, as if that's not apparent with my addiction to twitter and using a blog to tell people about my travels. But I have a Blackberry, and I have no idea how I have survived without it. Although I'm also very clumsy, and the last time I dropped it you can now see the poor things insides. So I've named it Kate after Kate Moss as you can see her insides too!

Right, well I think that's enough ramblings for today and hopefully this has amused you because its amused me haha